so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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