So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
