I didn't shave. On purpose
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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