I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
