Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
