Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
