The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My vagina is very pro this idea
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
