I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
