Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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