He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
