Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
