He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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