I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
