hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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