ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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