i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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