'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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