so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
