so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
