I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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