it hurts more in the daytime
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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