thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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