You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Brb crying the tears of my youth
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
