false alarm. still invincible.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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