mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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