if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
