Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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