All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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