she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
