i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
