dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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