I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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