if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
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I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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