o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
