An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
