So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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