nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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