i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
