I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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