I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
