I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
