She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
