Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
