I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
