I think i sorta joined a cult last night
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
