Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
