After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Randomize
