I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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