I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
