my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
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I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just blew my weed a kiss
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Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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