hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
