fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
