he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
