Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
