duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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