So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Enjoy the penises
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
