I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
