After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
