So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
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Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
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Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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