Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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